Sad

Today I'm sad. I'm tired. Exhausted. Digger has been sad too. Something is rumbling deep inside him. Shifting and unsettling him. And so he cries more inconsolably than usual. Several times a day. I comfort him. Listen. While I hold him tight and stroke his hair. And tell him I'm right here. And that I love him. Just staying with him till he is done. 

He's gone cold turkey on the old dummy cause of a tooth-loosening incident recent. He hasn't really looked back. But settling him takes longer now. 

I guess I'm sad because sometimes I see a gulf in him. A black hole. One I can't fill. However much he is my son. My brave and beautiful son. 

It isn't secondary trauma I'm feeling. It isn't depression. It's just a sadness washing over me. The one that recognises the sadness in his story. It happens every now and then. I recognise it now. Acknowledge it. 

Along with the need for more sleep. 

But it is an alarm bell. That I need to slow down. And be present. Rather than buying them. 

Tonight I'll be ramping up the self care. As I did today while buying Christmas gift. Tonight it will involve new DVD of modern family, tea/wine (it can go either way) and a ballerina biscuit. At least one.  

And my husband.